We sit in Alex Weston’s garage
and listen as Mel and three
other girls try to coax
brilliant ideas out of us.
It’s our senior year!
It has to be the best float ever!
My knee is sore.
I should have wrapped it before I left.
And my back’s hurting
TJ has been Mel-ed into sitting beside me.
He’s cute enough
but he looks like he might
possibly throw up and
since I know that Mel
probably said something to him
about me, I think that I
might be the cause of his nausea.
And this makes me think of Ben
and that I still need to answer him
about Saturday.
TJ tries to smile but it ends up looking
like he is gritting his teeth in pain.
I feel sorry for him.
But not sorry enough apparently
because when he offers me a ride home
I say “No thanks.”
Mel is going to kill me.
Gabby is acting all weird
and Anna is being moody
Even Dad seems nervous
It’s just not the right time.
I know Ben will call
and I know I should tell
my Dad about him
but I can’t make the words come out.
That’s when Gabby clears her throat
and gives my Dad a “look”.
He covers her hand with his and
tells Anna and I that he loves us very much
and that won’t change and
blah, blah, blah
and that Gabby is pregnant.
I think I am supposed to be
happy
but I’m not
I think
there may never be a place for me here
and if that is true
then where exactly is my place?
Ben calls at precisely 9:00pm and I curl
up under the covers and tell him
how my dad is starting a new family
he listens and says nice things.
and it dawns on me that all night
he is the only one I wanted to talk to
so when he asks if he can come on
Saturday I tell him to come to the gym
and that I’m glad he’s coming.
And long after we say good-bye
I lay still thinking
why him?
why now?
I’ve been quite happy to live a single life
with no attachments other than
punching a card at the gym.
I’ve always liked it that way.
Ben is unexplored territory
a detour
maybe a distraction
yet as I think about how Gabby’s hand
hovered protectively over her stomach
maybe that is exactly what I need.
On Saturday I run extra hard in circles around the mat
leaping and pounding and stretching
in every direction
I am aware that Ben has not even left school yet
I still only do
two back handsprings
which is impressive
to most normal human beings
but coaches are not
normal human beings
they are
other
and they expect more
like Arabians and aerials and back layouts
I try to make up for my failure on beam
by working extra hard on bars
catching the bar more times
than I miss
I’m not sure it’s working.
have history
but our present is a little messed up
I often wonder what
he thinks when he watches me
knowing he is there
isn’t the problem
It is true that God always forgives
I’ve read it
I even believe it
but I can’t help but think
that there might be times
when we have sailed too far away
to be retrieved
I cannot escape his realness
even as I feel that I have
outgrown my faith
like a pair of jeans
I cannot find a size that really fits
It’s like he is with me, close,
but behind a glass wall
and I don’t know whether
I put it there
or if he did
on the day I
messed
everything
up