Gabby is fussing with Anna’s hair and
Dad is drinking his third cup of coffee.
He asks if I’m excited to be a senior.
He once wore suits and ties to his job
at the bank.
When he married Gabby, he quit
and started wearing jeans
with Gabby on the farm.
He seems happier, more relaxed
But he also seems different,
not like the dad I grew up with.
When mom left, everyone changed.
I suppose I did too.
Because when I answer him, I tell him
only what he wants to hear.
“It’s going to be great!”
Not what I am really feeling.
And I don’t mention the cell phone in
my pocket, buzzing, connecting me to
a person he knows nothing about.
Angie and Mel are waiting for me
Angie is wearing jeans
and a hooded sweatshirt
while Mel looks like she’s being
photographed for TeenVogue
later in the day.
She’s got a strappy sweater
layered over a cotton graphic tee,
with boots and a skirt short enough
that her mom probably
spoke nothing but Korean
for a whole day.
My two best friends
I fit right in between them in almost every way.
They would be mad
if they knew I was
keeping Ben a secret
But if I told it would make him
too real
And he couldn’t be real.
Not yet.
We link arms and walk in the
building for our last year together.
I’m already sad
Is four feet high,
four inches wide and
fifteen feet long.
I stand
Hands crossed
knees bent
ready to throw myself
backwards
blindly
into the air
to
(hopefully)
land on the
four inches
of (barely)
padded wood.
I bend, swing my arms above me
and flip, once,
then twice.
I land perfectly but my coach frowns
It’s not what I am supposed to do
And yet somehow I cannot
make my body do it.
“You just did it on the floor”
I know.
“You stuck the landing”
I know
“So do it up there.”
I can’t.
He sits me down
and shows me
the schedule
and rambles on
about flight series
and points
and landings
He is shaped like a triangle,
his chest wide and muscular
and his head sitting on top
like a period
I am nodding
but I am
thinking
about Ben.
Far away
at a school
living a life
that is his own.
Presley is my gym friend
We never see each other
outside of the mats and
apparatus but we understand
each other in a way
that no one else can
not even you
not even if you read this
Because unless you have
spent hours swinging around
a wooden bar
landing on your face
only to get up and do it again
well, to most of the world
that’s just crazy
but to those
of us inside this gym
It’s just life.
Gymnastics is my life
I have no choice
Gymnastics is my choice
I have no life.