the restaurant doesn’t look like much from the outside
but inside it has flickering candles
and a fireplace
that feels perfect on
this chilly night
a waiter seats us and I feel
more grown up than I am
I suppose being with
a college guy doesn’t hurt
the prices make me flinch
but he covers my hand
tells me not to worry
that this night is a […]

he drives me back home
so that I can shower and change
and asks questions about
what he saw
truly amazed at what I can do
which is funny
since I find it the opposite of amazing
but since he doesn’t know what it should look like
I can understand
he tells me to dress nice
but I’m not sure how nice
so I spend way […]

at least the end was good
I stick my landing and
earn a 9.4 which hardly
makes up for the dismal failures
in the middle of the meet
and I can tell my coach
agrees with me when he catches my eye
and motions for me to come see him
and tells me we will talk on Monday
and I just wish he would […]

I don’t want to talk about
either of them
page 97

I think maybe God had mercy
on me today
drawing floor first
I can handle floor
and my tumbling passes
feel good
my muscles able to do their job
practically on their own
while I am warming up here
getting ready for a pass
I spot Ben
sandwiched between a
mom with a toddler on her hip
and a crazy tall dad with a video camera
glued to his […]

I was focused
driven
determined to go
as far as I could
maybe it was Presley
getting better
maybe it was
missing out on
nationals
again
or maybe it’s just me
but last year
when I got ready for a meet
I used to feel
such a rush
of excitement
the crowds squeezing into
every available corner of the gym
the little team girls
who would watch us
wistfully from the mats
the announcer’s voice
helping […]

I find Dad in his office
right off the house
where he looks like he is
balancing the checkbook
for the farm
I wonder if he misses
his old life
like I do
I sit down and wait for him to finish
I ask him what he thinks about my gymnastics
he frowns slightly and asks why I’m asking
I shrug
“Was it getting hurt last week?” […]

in addition to not hitting
the Arabian or flight series
somehow my hands have missed
the bar on my release move
three times today
and my chest hurts from landing on it
I chalk my hands again
watching the white cloud
surround me then disappear
from across the gym I watch
Presley stick her vault landing
and I feel a twinge of jealousy
that everything seems to […]

terrible practice
even tripped in warm-up
couldn’t do anything right
wondered what I was even thinking
thinking that I could give this a real shot
terrible night
listening to baby names
and Anna being happy
thinking that I really need to get out of here
before I end up mucking stalls for the rest of my life
Ben calls
I’m crabby and moody
he senses this I […]

I am exhausted and sore from three hours
at the gym and still I am here twisting
pieces of crepe paper into chicken wire
shaped into a giant football helmet
in Alex’s garage
everyone is here
even Angie
who is still avoiding any serious questions
and Mel
works next to me
giving me the third degree about the weekend
“Are you a couple or what? […]