I am not a virgin
those five words are hard to even look at
much less write
much less say
and though I might agree that it’s not entirely my fault
I still think that if I hadn’t made
a hundred different choices that year
it never would have happened at all
I never would have been at that party
I never would have […]

my night with Mel
actually turned out to be helpful
because she is right
that I over-analyze everything
that sometimes I need to just relax
that I can’t plan out everything
and I’m starting to think that perhaps
what happened to me
isn’t really going to matter
to anyone else
but me
and yet I can’t seem to stop thinking about that night
long after I promise […]

to her credit, Mel sits cross-legged
on my bed and listens
as I rant and rave about the whole situation
for at least an hour
and by the time I slump into my
bucket chair
she looks ready to jump out of her skin
Her speech went something like this:
“You are analyzing this thing to death and if you don’t quit it, […]

it’s me that’s not ready
Ben seems so sure, so stable
and I don’t even know what I’ll be doing next year
or where I’ll be
and let’s say
just for the heck of it
that I actually do get a scholarship
and let’s say that scholarship
is across the country
because it’s not like I have a say in it
and college gymnastics teams
aren’t […]

Pro Ben
Sweet
Kind
Mischievous
Devoted
Makes me laugh
Cute
Smart
Nice Family
Anti Ben
page 146

I call Mel since it’s only 10 o’clock
and she promises to come over
after her date with Ryan
and while I wait I think about how to get advice
about the whole thing without telling her the whole story
because not even Mel knows
what happened
but I begin to think that Mel probably
wouldn’t think it’s a really big deal anyway
so […]

is bizarre
because I am scared
that I had a wonderful time
but I feel like if this thing is serious
that we should at least talk about it
but I have no idea how to bring it up
so I let Ben talk about his classes
and school and his friends
all the while I am trying to sort out
my feelings
and what […]

Ben stops by the grocery store
and I walk with him as he picks
up the items his mom asked for
we get back to his house and Ben
rolls up his sleeves
and sets to work making dinner
for all of us
while Paula sits with me
in the living room
she looks better
but she seems tired
and I feel awkward
she doesn’t ask about […]

Ben drives me to his town
so that he can show me around
we have lunch at the small sub shop
where he worked in high school
he shows me the barns
where he began to ride
and even the fence where
he cut his head
he takes me to his high school
where we walk around the fields
and we stop by the mall
where […]

Ben walks into the gym
at eleven
and watches me for the last
thirty minutes
and I’m glad that today is a good day
one where the tricks seem easier and
my body does what it’s supposed to do
despite the pain in my back
when I join him at the bleachers
he is smiling
and gives me a kiss on the cheek
and we leave […]