I work hard at the gym
all week and by
Saturday morning
I am landing my Arabian
half the time
which is better than
none of the time
but I know landing it
in a gym full of people
who aren’t even watching
and landing it in front
of judges and coaches
and even college scouts
is another thing altogether
so this is what I am working on when […]

Ben is just a friend
I keep repeating this fact
to myself daily
but I actually squealed
after practice today
when I found that I
had two messages
from his number
I waited
until I climbed in
my car to listen
“Hey Luce. It’s me. I got your message and I’m really, really glad you called. You’ve been granted a conditional forgiveness. […]

I nailed my bar routine today
and he actually said the word
“Wow”
even though he followed it up with
“If you had done it that well
at state you would have placed.”
oh well
I still hate the beam
and the Arabian
and the flight series
I wish I could just skip beam
but I know the more nervous
I get about it
the worse I’m going […]

Angie freaked me out today
because she came to school all happy
and acting weird
like what was happening
wasn’t really happening
and when I tried to catch her eye
to see how she was really doing
she totally avoided me
and started talking about our
float building meeting tonight
that Mel organized
I just can’t have this on my mind today
because Ben still hasn’t called […]

Dad is waiting for me when I get home
back aching
thinking only about a shower
and why I do this to myself
every single day
he wants to talk
and offers to take me into town
for some
frozen yogurt
it’s still nice outside
but fall is in the air
and after my shower
I feel a little better
even though I know
exactly what he wants
to talk […]

I pace my room for twenty minutes
(it’s all the time I had)
before calling Ben
I get his voice mail
which relieves me
Hi Ben, It’s me and I really am sorry for not calling you back and I hope you understand but things have been kind of crazy, make that totally crazy, the last few days and well […]

Ben stopped calling
two days ago
and I’m wondering
if he’s mad or hurt
and what to do about it
because I still need him to go to
Homecoming with me
because of Mel
and because I don’t want
to go with TJ and
I think maybe
I actually
want him to.
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does it mean doing what the other person wants you to do?
or
does it mean doing what you think you should do?
or
does it mean something else altogether
because I have a major meet coming up
a college guy wondering why I’ve dropped off the face of the earth
a pregnant friend
a pregnant stepmother
and no idea what to do about […]

Angie cannot stop crying and I feel like
I’ve been handed
wet Jell-O that keeps slipping
through my fingers
I don’t know what surprises me more
that she is pregnant
or what she had to do to become pregnant
because I never
not in a million years
would have ever guessed
that Angie
of all people
would do
that
the story comes in fits and spurts
Who is not the […]

the words tumble out
along with the tears
and Angie
tells me
she is pregnant
and the words
stun me into silence
as I listen to
her cry
the smoothies
forgotten
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