dad drops me off at the carpool vans
full of team girls
headed to the meet
more than two hours away
he hugs me
and tells me to be careful
I am pent-up with anticipation
but glad to be getting out of town
the ride is full of chatter
about TV and movies and school
anything but gymnastics
even though it’s on everyone’s mind
as the miles […]

every spare moment I am at the gym
my coach impressed
with my newfound dedication
he doesn’t know that it is as much
avoidance as sincerity
but
surprise
the more I practice
the better the tricks come
my body and muscles learning
to move and tighten
just so
getting stronger outside
if not inside
page 229

I see them in the barn
Gabby grabs a saddle
and my father
takes it from her
smiling as he wags his finger at her
and touches her stomach
I am too far away to hear their conversation
the smiles that pass between them
loud and clear
I watch longer than necessary
feeling ambivalent
disconnected
the world they are creating
apart from me
the ache my mom left behind
throbs […]

I work hard
perfecting my vault
pointing my toes so they ache
and dancing around the floor
with precision
working on my bar release
and flying across the beam
just four inches below me
I feel like I may have a chance this year
I know I am getting better
though everyone else is too
the tri-cup my first real chance to prove
my effort
my back nags […]

Julie asked me to memorize this psalm
and instead of my lack of desire
I am aware of my utter need
to dwell in shelter
to rest in shadow
to be rescued
and protected
protected
the word chaffs at my heart
like sandpaper
remembering that night I was so vulnerable
thinking that it was my own rebellion
that caused God to look away
in what ways was I […]

I sit with my dad at the auto shop
where he is having an alarm system
installed in the car
so that I can trigger it
from a distance if necessary
he calls my phone to check on me
more than he ever has before
it is sweet
but inside I know that he can only protect me to a certain point
he can […]

Ben and I spend the day catching up
but instead of being flustered or worried
Ben seems calm
resigned
to the way life must change
concerned only of having to
sell their house
and move closer to school
so that he can be Taylor’s guardian
and still finish his degree
fulfilling a promise to his mother
the proceeds of the house
along with the life insurance
would help […]

Ben arrives on Saturday
his face near the bleachers
a welcome sight
he watches me on the beam
until we are set free for the day
with only a week to the Tri-Cup
I stay an extra few minutes
I almost have my flight series
though I still jump off at the last second
sometimes
even Coach seems pleased
mostly
I change and walk over to Ben
a […]

we go through the motions again
of reporting the incident
knowing there is little the police can do
he made no real threat
but Ethan’s father now
has a
useless
restraining order
page 222

I wait at the entrance to the gym
for at least ten minutes
my eyes scanning the parking lot
like some Secret Service agent
there is a man on the sidewalk
a couple girls sitting on a bench
and a mom getting a kid out of her car
I jog straight down the sidewalk
but the man steps in front of me
I stop […]