I call Ben,
who is back at school
while Taylor stays with a friend
determined to finish the semester
he sounds busy, distracted
and I know that there is no time for his grief
right now
but it will come
of that I am sure
yet in the bigness of the circumstances
I feel small and shy about
the place I hold in his heart
even in […]

I withdraw to the gym
the only place I know to go
and choose to work out
in the wee morning hours
with only Kip and his mop in the building
I work hard
harder than I do with others around
conditioning my muscles
stretching them
pushing them to their limits
until I collapse onto a mat
staring up at the criss-crossed beams above me
I am […]

I go to the arraignment
because I must
see him
he sits next to his daddy’s lawyer
Mr. All-American
soccer star
in a suit and tie
a fresh haircut
he pleads not guilty to the charges
of course
and never makes eye contact with me
invisible again
I talk with the detective afterwards
a third girl has come forward
during the investigation
and I am sick
sick that this boy
who I […]

reality floods in like a
tsumani
unexpectedly sweeping me from my feet
the detective calls me about Ethan and tells me
that he is in custody
for my rape
that they discovered a reliable witness
who is willing to talk
about that night
all that he saw and heard
I am ambivalent
no sense of vindication
only sorrow
and it is this,
not the arrest,
that stuns me
page 210

officially
as Ben introduces me this way
at least four times
the wake is small
and instead of relatives
there are people from her church
old friends she grew up with
even a teacher
who taught Paula in high school
all come to say good-bye
I hover near Ben
who is polite
and dignified
carefully hiding the
shockwaves of sorrow
that must lie underneath
Taylor sits on the couch
spinning a glass […]

we all go, even Anna
dressed in subdued colors
wrapped against the chill
swept in from the mountains
we go to a small country church
in a tiny valley town
where Paula grew up
and they lay her to rest
on a hilltop that overlooks
the Shenendoahs
in this place
I can feel such peace
even through the tears
and the sorrows around me
and though I cry for […]

Paula’s death follows me through school and practice
haunting me
like a cloud that dims the life around me
I think of Ben
making a million decisions
the course of his life
changed
uncharted
and selfishly,
I wonder where I will now fit in
my own life feeling just as uncharted
still a couple months shy of eighteen
in a sport that I am becoming too old […]

I get the call early Sunday morning
that Paula has slipped away
the usual comforts
of her being in a better place
seem bitter in my mouth
so I don’t say them
“I’m so sorry,” I say
we don’t talk long
the son must now be a man
page 206

I don’t know how I know
but I know she looks really bad and the doctors
and nurses that come and go
look somber
and avoid eye contact
like they can’t bear to admit
what is happening
Taylor hugs me when I come
but today there is no laughter
no reading from this week’s People
just Ben and Taylor
pacing around the hospital bed
while she sleeps
in […]

I try to pray
for Paula
I don’t know how bad she is today
or if God will hear me
but I can’t not try
it’s so much easier to
believe in God for someone else
than for me
when I run out of words
for Ben
and Taylor
and Paula
I tell God
that I feel as though he is
so far away
“Lucy, love. He’s right there.”
page […]