Gabby comes with me to the police station
since I don’t want to share any details in front of Dad
or anybody else for that matter
but Gabby seems like the best choice
we drop off Anna and then drive
back to Bragg County
back to where it happened
back to where Ethan is a star
we sit and wait for two forevers […]

I’m supposed to be working on
a history paper
distracted
I look at some blogs,
update my site
and then before I know it
I am googling
“Ethan Frain”
The top result reads “Frain wins scholarship to Tech”
I click and pull up a story in the County Times
about Ethan the soccer star
his picture is there, smiling
his hair wind-blown
a soccer ball tucked under his […]

Angie is sprawled across her bed
still in her pajamas
“I don’t want to talk Luce,” she mutters into the pillow
I drop into her fluffy purple beanbag chair
“But I need your help.”
she looks up suspiciously “My help?”
she sits up and brushes the hair away from her face
and attempts to straighten her rumpled top
I knew that would get […]

on Saturday Ben keeps texting me jokes
which is funny
and sweet
especially since today I am feeling guilty again
for taking out my anger on Ben
he deserves better
he deserves normal
not some confused gymnast
who spends the bulk of her time
throwing herself
at stationary objects
What do you call a fairy that has taken a bath?
Stinkerbell
Where did the cows go on Friday […]

Ben finally calls on Friday
to tell me that he can’t come home this weekend
and hints at me driving there
but with the meet
I decide to stay put
he sounds disappointed
which is nice
so we talk instead
and he tells me the reason for his absence this week
was simply midterms
and projects and study groups
but that he thought about me often
I […]

with slightly over three weeks
before the Tri-Cup Meet
I decide to work my tail off
everyone is working harder
so I have to, just to keep up
Diana comes and works on floor with me
making sure that every move
is perfect
down to my toes and fingers
because every point counts
I spend extra time at beam
mostly staring at it
willing it into submission
I […]

I’m afraid I have scared off Ben
despite his visit on Saturday
he hasn’t called all week
and while I thought this would relieve me
it doesn’t
it just makes me more nervous
more jumpy
and I think that
Ben’s timing
is extraordinarily bad
to have found me
now
when I should be wholly focused
on my last year of club competition
on straightening out my head
on what I […]

it is Thursday before I figure out that I actually think best
while I am moving
and my muscles are warm
so it is while I am stretching
in one corner of the gym
that I get this
amazing thought
amazing enough that I know it is probably not my thought at all
so I’m there, stretching out my sore back
convinced that will […]

It’s strange to have God as homework but Julie sends me home
with strict instructions to spend time with God
which is a little different than spending time
with a flesh and blood human being
God and I didn’t have an honest to goodness falling out
we simply drifted apart
at least I drifted
I wasn’t really sure what to do anymore
I […]

Julie feeds me tissues
and I wipe my face feeling like an idiot
for so many reasons
I saw Julie for a little while after it happened
and back then she urged me
over and over
to report what happened
but I never really believed
completely
that it was a real rape
I knew him
he knew me
rape seemed like a
dark alley, stranger attacking you in […]