I see them in the barn
Gabby grabs a saddle
and my father
takes it from her
smiling as he wags his finger at her
and touches her stomach
I am too far away to hear their conversation
the smiles that pass between them
loud and clear
I watch longer than necessary
feeling ambivalent
disconnected
the world they are creating
apart from me

the ache my mom left behind
throbs inside me
and I wonder
if I will ever be able to allow
that place to be filled again

I feel stuck
three years behind