my nightmares are changing
and instead of being fixed on
that night long ago
I produce images of how I might be hurt again
of Ethan finding me
in a parking lot
or on the farm
or at school
and exacting his revenge

I stop trying to sleep
exhaustion blurring my days
and though I have not seen him again
my eyes dart around at every shadow
still
sure that he is waiting
to catch me alone

I do not tell Ben
because while I long to rest
in his protection
I cannot bring myself
to add more pressure
to his already burdened soul
so I keep my tone light
telling him only of happy things

while I live in my own private hell