I call Ben,
who is back at school
while Taylor stays with a friend
determined to finish the semester
he sounds busy, distracted
and I know that there is no time for his grief
right now
but it will come
of that I am sure

yet in the bigness of the circumstances
I feel small and shy about
the place I hold in his heart
even in his chaos
he urges me to tell him about Ethan
and the arraignment
listening to every detail

and urges me to forgive

which surprises me
because we have not talked a lot about these things
nor does he know that this is the very thing
I know I must do
my distance from God
not hiding the truth that has been ingrained inside
I can almost feel
the chains that bind me to Ethan
but even knowing that forgiveness will set me free
I am unable to consider dropping them
I want him to pay his debt

but as the information of his crimes has trickled in
I see that he is not a kid
or a star
or anything other than someone
who is very, very sick
how else could he do what he does?

when I hang up
I hold the phone for a long time
contemplating the fullness in my heart
searching for a word
that can describe the
smile that seems to rise up from
within me
it seems wrong to call it
love
because I think that I am too young
too distracted
to know what that is
at least that’s what I have always believed
but now I think that
might be the right word
and if it is
what does that mean for me
and how will it again
change my puzzle sides