Paula’s death follows me through school and practice
haunting me
like a cloud that dims the life around me
I think of Ben
making a million decisions
the course of his life
changed
uncharted

and selfishly,
I wonder where I will now fit in
my own life feeling just as uncharted
still a couple months shy of eighteen
in a sport that I am becoming too old for
my body beat up
and spent
but even though there is a gate
I cannot bring myself to escape
because I don’t know what is
beyond the gate
and perhaps this is
all there is for me