I’m afraid I have scared off Ben

despite his visit on Saturday
he hasn’t called all week
and while I thought this would relieve me
it doesn’t
it just makes me more nervous
more jumpy
and I think that
Ben’s timing
is extraordinarily bad
to have found me
now
when I should be wholly focused
on my last year of club competition
on straightening out my head
on what I will do next year
so many things I should be doing
besides staring at my phone
hoping he will call