Julie feeds me tissues
and I wipe my face feeling like an idiot
for so many reasons
I saw Julie for a little while after it happened
and back then she urged me
over and over
to report what happened
but I never really believed
completely
that it was a real rape
I knew him
he knew me
rape seemed like a
dark alley, stranger attacking you in the bushes kind of thing
even now the word still rubs wrong
I still feel utterly responsible
and Julie, as if she can read my thoughts,
recites the reasons why what happened
was wrong
and that it wasn’t my fault

I’ve heard it all before

but as I listen it’s as if
one layer of the bindings around my heart
loosen
and for the first time
I began to think
that maybe, just maybe
my stupid mistake
didn’t mean that I deserved what happened
I had said no
over and over
of that much I was sure

if that is true -
that I didn’t deserve it

then why did it happen