I am not a virgin

those five words are hard to even look at
much less write
much less say

and though I might agree that it’s not entirely my fault
I still think that if I hadn’t made
a hundred different choices that year
it never would have happened at all
I never would have been at that party
I never would have let myself
get drunk
and stupid
I never would have ended up

there
with him

I close my eyes and I remember
before
and
after
but it’s like my thoughts
won’t let me wander
to the in-between time
locked tightly
safely
inside my head
it’s like trying to contain
a parasite
that is slowly eating its
way through the layers
and I don’t know how long
it will take
to break through
to the soft parts
of my heart