I take Taylor to lunch
away from the hospital
just us girls
and we walk a few blocks before we find
a café that has sandwiches
and sodas
we find a table to sit at with our food
and Taylor promptly bursts
into tears
the words coming so fast that I can hardly
keep up

she had been calm all morning
maybe for her mother’s sake
but the hysteria that Ben mentioned
comes out as she talks
about watching her mother
slump to the floor
and calling the rescue squad
and how scared she was that
her mom was going to die
right there in the kitchen
I hand Taylor napkins to mop
up her tears as she moves
through the story
“What if she dies?” she asks me
even though I expect the question
I have no answer
“She seems to be doing good,” I say
“Right now, yeah. But what about when she comes
home and when she gets another chemo
treatment and when she gets another scan
to see where the cancer is at?”
Taylor dissolves into tears again
and I pray
thinking that even if God isn’t speaking to me
surely He has something for Taylor
But I don’t have anything to give her
except myself
sitting across from her
listening

she tells me that her dad left
when she was a kid
and that she has no family really
except Ben
and that she is scared for her mom
but also for herself

I understand this
and share with her about losing my mom
when I was younger than her
knowing that having my dad around
makes it different
but she still seems to appreciate
that I get it

I also promise that she can call anytime
and make her program my number into her phone
right then
but just as I think the conversation is ending
she asks, “Do you believe in heaven?”
I settle myself back into the chair
and tell her that I do
she says that she believes too
but wonders about a God
that would let her mom be
eaten up inside
she looks at me for an answer

I don’t have one