the detective drops a folder onto the table in front of us
and drops his weight into the metal chair
sending painful echoes through the small room
“I’ve learned some interesting things about your Ethan Frain this weekend,”
he says
the word “your” sends a shiver up my back
he flips open the folder and scans the pages, then sits back […]

I come home to a message
from the smelly detective
who wants me to come to the station
delivered by my father in somber tones
no other details
I feel scared
like I am the one in trouble
I sit with my dad on the couch
my head against his shoulder
not knowing what he thinks or feels about any of this
and overwhelmed with
fear
anger
shame
guilt
dad […]

Ben and I sit in the driveway
for more than an hour
stalling
being with him a reminder
of all the feelings I try to push away
when he’s not
he turns a bit to see me better
and says, “I don’t want to go back.”
and I’m not sure this is because of me
or his mom or something else
altogether
I know in my […]

Ben is quieter on the drive home
no doubt processing
what he saw of his mother
the treatments meant to cure her
robbing her of nearly everything else
he bangs his hand on the wheel
in a rare moment of anger
“He should be here,” he says
I reach over and touch his shoulder
in a rare moment of affection
and wish there was something […]

Ben’s mom spends most of her time
on the couch
wanting to get up
Ben and Taylor spend their time
making her rest
we have lunch
and talk of life
until Paula forces us out the door
to have fun
with Taylor
we spend a few hours bowling
skirting the topics
that hover just above us all
it is not until dinner that
the mood changes
Paula sleeping
and the three […]

for the first half of the trip to his house,
Ben prattles on about school
and professors and the silly sentences
he uses to remember stuff in bio-chem
but then he grows quiet
and asks how I’m doing
the question weighted far beyond
the four words he uses
I consider this because I feel oddly numb
like my life is in some sort of […]

Ben grins at me
and eases the gym bag off my shoulder
then drops it with a grunt
“What do you have in here? Another gymnast?”
“Nah. I think she moved out.”
Ben rolls his eyes and laughs
he holds out his hand
instead of just taking mine
in a millisecond
a hundred thoughts go whipping through my head
but the one that […]

Presley comes over to my locker
and says, “Your guy’s here.” gesturing towards Ben
who waves when he sees me turn
I stuff my grips into the locker “He’s not my guy.”
Presley snorts “Oh, yeah? Then can I have him?”
“He’s not a puppy Pres.” I look at Ben across the gym “And no.”
she laughs and […]

ambivalent about Ben’s visit this weekend
I take it out on vault
running hard and fast
ignoring the pain in my back
when I land
focusing only on each move
as if I’m moving in slow motion
and I am watching myself
through a video camera
I’ll admit that when I pounded the springboard
I pretended it was Ethan’s head
guess that means I’m still mad
page […]

Julie seems pleased that I reported what happened
but cautions me about depending on the police
to make this better
and that it could be a hard journey
very hard
but I am steadfast
because I think that this will finally get him out of my head
if he has to face what he did
if someone else knows
and since I told the […]