I find Dad in his office
right off the house
where he looks like he is
balancing the checkbook
for the farm
I wonder if he misses
his old life
like I do

I sit down and wait for him to finish
I ask him what he thinks about my gymnastics
he frowns slightly and asks why I’m asking
I shrug
“Was it getting hurt last week?” he asks
“No.”
“You know I support you no matter what you choose to do.”
And I do know this
but it doesn’t help me figure out what
I’m supposed to do
“Can I still go to college even without a scholarship?” I ask.
“We’ll find a way.”
And I know this means that it will be hard
because of all he gave up when he left the bank
and he’s still paying for my brother Paul
who has medical school ahead of him

and at that moment I think that maybe instead of
waiting to see what will happen at sectionals
and regionals and nationals
maybe I should explore college
a little more seriously

maybe competing for a school
wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world
that is
if they’d even want me
what with falling off the beam
and the bars
nearly every chance I get