I was focused
driven
determined to go
as far as I could
maybe it was Presley
getting better
maybe it was
missing out on
nationals
again
or maybe it’s just me

but last year
when I got ready for a meet
I used to feel
such a rush
of excitement
the crowds squeezing into
every available corner of the gym
the little team girls
who would watch us
wistfully from the mats
the announcer’s voice
helping us to know
what’s coming
and even the judges
in their boring blazers
added to it all
because I wanted them
to be completely amazed
at what I was about to do

the same crowds and
team girls and judges are there
for the invitational

but there is no rush
no excitement
almost like I am here
to do my job
punching some clock
and looking forward to
the end of my shift

Presley leads warm-ups
and we follow her round and round the mat
warming our muscles

for the first time since
I was a kid at my first meet
I am scared
of what will happen
today

of what will happen
if I don’t start caring

of what will happen
if I do