Ben is just a friend

I keep repeating this fact
to myself daily
but I actually squealed
after practice today
when I found that I
had two messages
from his number

I waited
until I climbed in
my car to listen

“Hey Luce. It’s me. I got your message and I’m really, really glad you called. You’ve been granted a conditional forgiveness. I’ll call you later with the details.”

was the first one
and
the second one said

“I’m assuming you are at this moment hanging upside down from a bar or something because otherwise you would have answered your phone, right? That’s what I thought. So call me when you’re done.”

I dial his number not sure what I am expecting.
He sounds surprised and even happy to hear from me

“So, forgiveness isn’t usually conditional,” I tell him

“This time it is. I’m going home this weekend and I wanted to come by.”

“You go home a lot.”

“Yeah. I was kind of thinking you could come back with me. Just for Saturday – I can get you back home that night.”

“I’ve got four hours of practice on Saturday. And a meet next weekend. I don’t know if I can, should, take off.”

He is quiet for a moment. Thinking?

“Another time then. Can we still have lunch on Saturday?”

“I can do that,” I say

and hang up,
feeling like I
only got a small taste
of something
and still can’t discern
exactly
what the flavors are