I don’t have much experience with hospitals
other than my own ER visits
but the ER is different
than the oncology floor
where people aren’t just hurt
they are dying
and I can feel grief
hanging like a curtain
as I pass through the doors
the nurses are kind
but subdued
perhaps wondering if
I am grieving for one
of their patients
I am handed a mask
to keep me […]

I get up early
with plans to eat
and get on the road
but Dad stops me
and wants to know
all the details
he listens
grave concern etched on his face
“I’d go with you but I just can’t today…” he says.
“It’s okay. I can get there.”
He shakes his head. “Luce, you’ve never driven into the city
by yourself. Maybe […]

Ben calls at midnight
to tell me
that his mother
is okay
that she has
pneumonia
but the doctors
think she’s strong
enough to fight it
he tells me that
he is more worried
about Taylor
who is scared
out of her mind
and how he doesn’t
know how to
help her when she
gets hysterical
he doesn’t ask
but I think that maybe
I could talk to her
and so I ask if
I can come […]

what was beautiful and magical
now seems loud and overdone
and I wander between the punch
and the tables
not sure where I want to be
my mind only on Ben
and his mother
I feel selfish for wanting
to stop the relationship
for wanting to just protect myself
to cause more problems
would be mean right now
and waiting it out
seeing what happens
is the only thing […]

Ben rushes out the door into the hallway
I am on his heels
“She what?”
Ben crouches to the ground
one hand pressed to his mouth
he’s so still, like he’s holding his breath
I rest a hand on his shoulder and wait
“I’ll be there”
he stands to his feet
“Taylor. I’m coming. Okay? Okay?”
Ben closes the cell phone
and turns […]

the music is throbbing
through the darkened gym
when we arrive
as a group
and are herded like cattle to the
bored looking
bald guy who is taking pictures
of every couple
Ferdi poses proudly between
the twins
(though Carly doesn’t seem
quite as pleased)
Ben and I go next
he squeezes me close
making me laugh
at the last second
the band is amazing
with just the right mix
of fun and […]

stop 1 is at Angie’s
where we have tiny little appetizers
her parents are dressed up as waiters
having as much fun as we are
Jess is with her
which I am glad to see
but they give no hint of
what is really going on
and judging by her parents
I assume they don’t yet know
Mel’s eyes grew wide
when she got a look […]

my father insists on opening the door
and making me wait
they shake hands in the foyer
the two of them eye-to eye
Ben turns and sees me
and grins
and the sight of him in his tux makes me
wonder why I would want to stop
the possibility
of an “us”
Gabby insists on taking pictures
with my dad helping to direct us
I am mortified
and […]

everyone is home tonight
which is unusual
and I think that maybe it
would be easier if they weren’t here
when Ben picks me up
I get ready slowly
trying to plan what I will say
not able to figure out
how to do it
without insinuating that
we are in fact a couple
which we may not be
and there really isn’t a
non-humiliating way to find […]

I land the Arabian
twice during practice
and made my coach
raise his eyebrows
and actually smile
I don’t try a third time
just in case
but I am happy
totally excited
even Presley
was impressed
page 113